Inner-thoughts

I was watching the movie "Ronal Barbaren" (not a recommended good movie, imo). There was a scene where a Lady Warrior was sharing her feelings or past to Ronal The Barbarian. She felt good and relief after sharing it to Ronal.

To me, I am desperately needing someone to understand what I am going through. I am growing up as an adult, and there are no more home works like I was in college or high school. It is all basically assignments and many out of course researches to be obtained. However, mom and dad still looked at me as their juvenile son. I know it is a good thing that they're treating like me as their son, but  I can't accepting them to look or judge me the way I used to be.

I have so many inner thoughts or inner feelings, I tried to share my troubles, relieving what is inside of me to someone close. However, I am always turned down and not being listened to.

I consider myself mature to a certain extent, because most of the time, I commit my troubles to God. For some reason, as a man, I need a feedback, I need to see a response, I need to see someone nodding with sincere intentions. God is spirit, I know I should connect with him in spirit and truth; but I have this soul that merged from the combination of the spirit and the physical flesh, forming a vacuum needing to see a reality of responses.

Who am I kidding to deny the truth of needing a companion, I desperately need someone to hold me, to hug me, for me to lie on their shoulders and just being sober in comfort. I found one, but the sapien have a great gap in between.

I wouldn't blame anybody for not coming close to me, because I shut myself in a very defensive situation and have doubts to trust anyone with my feelings. Perhaps I should for a little longer for a time that I wish to be sober in comfort once again. When and where, I don't know, but I will not care and let anyone stop me, from getting close to God.

Mr. David

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Ecclesiastes 1

This Post is not dedicated for studies but of personal review.

Ecclesiastes started off saying how bored life really is and immediately I found myself related and understood what the author felt and had written.

cVanity2 of vanities, says athe Preacher,

cvanity of vanities! dAll is vanity (ESV)

"Life is meaningless!" The author said it with convince. Everyday, we live in the same routine, finding ways to keep lives' sane, well fed, well-educated, full economic support. We live through this same repetitive routine until we are all fed up and felt sick of life.

We ask God or any other people: "What is the purpose of Life?"

We have all kinds of convenient technologies, we lived through a planned resolution, we bought many great and usable things. As an old proverb says: " New things come, old things thrown out", but no matter how many things we get, we never will feel a full satisfaction. Why? We feel empty inside.

We even have friends, but all of them will forget about you. Whatever you did for people, people will remember for few hours and then forget you forever.

There's such little or no encouragement living "under the sun", as the sun rises and sets down and it rises up again at its usual point: every thing runs in the same routine.

However, it is claimed that there is hope, that there is grace, that there is great change. There is something new that bring us out in living under the sun but bring us to live in the Son. Who is this Son? Personally, I know is Jesus Christ. I know what he did, I love and felt unworthy of God's work through at the cross.

I want to know who is he! I want to experience the gift he mentions, the rest that he promised in Matthew 11. His spiritual blessings during the time of Pentecost. The Bible says in order to receive this rest and to obtain this peace and hope not living under the sun but living in the Son, I must Fear God and Obey His Commands.

One thing I am not sure of is, What is exactly God's Command? Is it a law or a set of rules to follow; a ritual that I must keep like the worship of Jewish and Muslim rituals. Or is it a spiritual presence or a being that will counsel my every personal steps?

Mr. David

References: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow (Ecclesiastes 1:1-11)

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Just when I wanted to give up.

On Monday morning, My 6G kids was out for Music Lesson. During these times, the kids would be out of the classroom and My Class Teacher, Mr Harold, and I would have the entire classroom for ourselves.

If I can remember we were sorting out all the required printed materials that needed to be given for the students. Of course, while doing some paper works, we both had our "manly/brother to brother" chat. He asked me of how was my weekend, and I told him, I attended a church member's wedding and of course my  usual weekly Sunday Church.

Immediately, like everyone would ask when they heard someone who is eager to go to church every week, He asked me whether before this I was going to be a pastor or a church leaeder in some sort.

I told him my decisions in the past, and my last deciphering after college, and we both ended chatting his part of his career and his younger days.

Later that day, both of us were supporting our students in their work, He and I were working with students on one table, and I overheard them saying: "You know I admire Mr. David, he does not only work hard in school during the weekdays, but on the weekend, He don't just at rest at home but he goes to church every week."

It felt good, when someone is complimenting me to another person. It's like in people's eyes, you know that they trust you and they think you're the dependable one. It's been fun supporting him and assisting him together in 6G. The kids were mischievous, bunch of no good delinquents, but without them, I am bored. (I hate doing paper works, I hate being separated with my kids, and do other things for the school)

School has a lot of politics. There were many power struggle shenanigans between leaders and professors, leading us colleagues and staffs going nowhere but to remain in jumbled boxes of confusion and frustrations. As a new fresh meat in the working world, I feel the same way and I could relate these problems with any other working people! Staffs stabbed one another in the back, getting credits while jeopardizing other colleagues; not to mention, pushing away responsibilities and had others to work for them.


I always mumbled to myself and to my cohorts 4 mates, that this is so unfair. Other colleagues are on the payroll, earning a whole lot more than I do. I only receive RM500 every month, and I already gave that up fully to the school for my University course studies. So technically, I can consider myself as working for free for the school, doing unexpected and many load of things, things that are not stated in the contract or the agreed conditions stated by The University.

My physical strength could not cope to the working rhythm, I came home exhausted and dying for rest everyday. My emotions and common sentimental kindness was degrading in each and every day. I didn't have good moods for my friends, I dislike going to church, I dislike going anywhere which would spoil my weekends of resting. I almost gave up the common sense of knowing the common and spiritual goodness.

From knowing God until a fleshy man.

But,

after hearing what my class teacher said to a student,
I thought no one noticed, no one cares, no one bothers, no one is hearing, but

I went home, at least sat on my knees and prayed,

God, forgive me.
I almost gave up.
I treated my friends, like how my colleagues treated me.
I forgot about love, the unconditional love,
I chose not to forgive, I chose to be skeptical,
I forgave that freedom that I have in you long ago.

But today, I decided In the love of Christ I stand.

Mr.  David

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What Love really means?

Love?

 "Dear God, 

             won't you please send someone who would love me..." (JJ Heller, 2010)

Dear God,

What is love?
Is love a responsibility?
I know is a commitment, but would it be so blind?
I'm afraid of you, yet you are kind.
I tried my best, to give you all that I am.

I do not really have friends, and life's a bore.
Many cared only of what is convenient.
They could not give a hand and reach out my troubles.
I wouldn't blame them, because is my own trouble.
But its strange, because they say my trouble adds into the mystery.
In a reason, I have changed not in their expectation.

I am jealous.
I really am.
Nothing  I say would give an ignition to my peers.
Because I am not good looking or a social expert.
I'm an outsider, always will be.
I am always kind, often too kind.
In the back, I talked nice of them,
and in turn, they were blessed with many friends.
They were blessed, and I was forgotten.

At home, life is like a civilized jungle.
Everyday, I faced competition.
There were never really peace.
Because of the mistakes, my parents made,
I as the eldest and their bloodline, must carry the pain.

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Joshua 13 Study

A conditional promise.

"That is, if the Israelites continued to be obedient; but they did not, and therefore they never fully possessed the whole of that land which, on this condition alone." (Clarke, 1832)

 It's really tough to follow reading the list of lands listed down on Joshua 13. Guzik was right on feeling tedious when studying the land of Israel when it doesn't matter to us (2006).

But what caught me interested on the study of Joshua 13 was Adam Clarke's commentary on this very conditional promise. He stated that the Israelites were disobedient at some point and I am not in a clear state to give a sure answer for that.

But I'm going to mark the name Misrephoth Maim, and the people of the Sidonians concerning of this promise.

Mr. David

References:
Clarke, Adam. "Commentary on Joshua 13:1". "The Adam Clarke Commentary

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